To the Owners of the Restaurant/Bar at Which I Play Trivia on Occasional Wednesday Nights:
Apparently, it is incumbent upon me to ask a few questions before I arrive. So:
- What is your eatery’s position as regards manned space exploration?
- In a brief essay, please defend or refute the Supreme Court’s position on Wickard v. Filburn.
- Shouldn’t all right-thinking people agree that the 13th Amendment prohibits any sort of mandatory national or community service?
- What do the members of your bar staff think about Voter ID laws?
- David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?
- That one guy running the Fry-O-Lator — no, the one with the barbed-wire tattoo — yeah, Bryce, I guess — what’s his take on the individual mandate?
- The company that prints your menu may have printed fliers for a Tea Party rally at some point. Have you denounced them yet? If not, when may we expect this?
- Don’t you think that calling one of your drinks a “Slippery Nipple” is degrading and possibly a human-rights violation?
- In 500 words or less, please offer an evaluation of the Simpson-Bowles plan.
- No, really — Bryce? Dude has a barbed-wire tattoo, and his name is Bryce?
- Quote at length.
- Who’s tripping down the streets of the city, smiling at everybody she sees?
Please respond via notarized e-mail, including an attachment listing all political or charitable donations by your company, its stockholders, and any staff members, by 7:15 this evening.
Also, I’d like a Shirley Temple, please.