It’s Probably Good That I’m No Longer In High School

The Spawn just finished a unit on Arthur Miller’s The Crucible in her English class (where she apparently had the gall to point out that Salem-Red Scare parallels don’t work so well, given that there actually were folks like Alger Hiss and the Rosenbergs. Heh.) As part of her work in the class, she had to create a mock newspaper for Salem during the trials, with news features, editorials, and the like. She was telling me about this, and mentioned that she included an advice column:

“Dear Goody, I don’t like my mother-in-law, but she’s been accused of witchcraft! What should I do?”

“Let nature take its course.”

This inspired me a bit, so here’s another advice column.

Ask Giles Corey

Dear Giles Corey,

I find that no matter what I do, my smocks are far too loose. What do you recommend?

Baggy in Burlington

Dear Baggy: More weight.


Dear Giles Corey,

Every time it storms, my scarecrow falls over. What should I do?

Windswept in Warwick

Dear Windswept: More weight.


Dear Giles Corey,

My wife has been charged with witchcraft, and we fear that when she is cast into the water, she will float. Is there a solution?

Charged in Charlestown

Dear Charged: More weight.


Well, you get the picture.


About profmondo

Dad, husband, mostly free individual, medievalist, writer, and drummer. "Gladly wolde he lerne and gladly teche."
This entry was posted in Education, Family, Literature. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to It’s Probably Good That I’m No Longer In High School

  1. profmondo says:

    Confidential to Anorexic in Andover: More weight.

  2. Withywindle says:

    Dear Professor Corey,

    Whenne I ringe my belle for my cowes, they doe not heare. What shalle I doe?

    Thresh Reaper, Esq.

  3. arethusa says:

    Dear Goody Good,

    Last month I was bitten by a very strange-looking bat late at night in the woods. Since then, my canine teeth have grown quite long, I can’t eat garlic, and the mirror in the front hall doesn’t seem to work any more. I’m also enormously thirsty, yet nothing I drink quenches my thirst. What can I do?

    – Barlow

    Dear Barlow: God will give you blood to drink.

  4. nightfly says:

    Dear Giles Corey:

    We have a new neighbor from Africa. He’s very nice, but he doesn’t know all the customs. For example, he tends to cut to the front of lines. What can I say to help him?

    Puzzled in Peoria

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