I was picking a couple of things up this morning at the non-Wal-Mart supermarket — I tend to split my business anyway, and things are frequently quicker at Food Lion — and as I was headed to pick up some tater tots, I passed a freezer that held what I guess passes for specialty items here in Mondoville. There were frozen plantain slices, empanadas, and some breads. It was one of the latter packages that caught my attention.
Specifically, it was a package of cinnamon-raisin English muffins. And that’s nifty, because sometimes those might make a lovely family breakfast. But I didn’t notice that they were English muffins at first, because what caught my eye was a Bible reference on the label.
“Wow,” I thought. “I know I live in the Bible Belt, but really?”
I picked up my (presumably ecumenical, but at least store-brand) tater tots and came home, but my curiosity was piqued. So I went to the company’s website, where I saw:
Ezekiel 4:9 products are crafted in the likeness of the Holy Scripture verse Ezekiel 4:9 to ensure unrivaled honest nutrition and pure, delicious flavors.
“Take also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentils and millet, and spelt and put them in one vessel…” Ezekiel 4:9
It’s this special, unique combination of 6 grains and legumes that harvests benefits beyond what we normally expect from our breads, pastas, cereals, and other foods.
And so on, with this apparently divinely inspired multi-grain bonanza. But wait! There’s more! They also apparently make other Scriptural sandwich supplies. Behold… Genesis 1:29 bread!
Now, I imagine Food Lion wouldn’t be stocking this stuff if it didn’t sell, and I get the impression that the bakers are pitching their wares toward back-to-nature and health-food shoppers, rather than some vast fundamentalist market, but I couldn’t help imagining other “biblical” products:
- 1 Cor. 10:28 Burger Patties — Guaranteed not to have been offered to idols!
- Gen. 27:7 Ground Venison — KJV only, please!
- Lev. 24:2 Olive Oil, for when you want pasta for Hanukkah!
- Song 4:15 Bottled Water, direct from Lebanon… Tennessee.
- Ps. 137:9 Crash Helmets (Children’s Sizes only.)
I’m just saying, this could be a marketing… well, you know.